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about 9 minutes
I was recently thinking about how to educate people like my uncle about crappy Facebook posts that force you to share stuff, and I figured, heck, why not write a letter to the Almighty himself! How many of you have not seen posts that said, “Share this in 9 seconds to receive a good news; ignoring would entitle you to nine years of bad luck”?
Well, while I don’t see many heads nodding, I do see smiles through your screens, though.
So here was my letter:
Dear God,
I am Ram. I wanted to tell you how funny it is when I see these stupid posts on Facebook with photos of your supposed forms, your supposed writings (which are mostly products of imagination of great philosophers), etc. and how they say you need to share them within so many seconds, and if we don't, we are entitled for bad stuff.
How I wish you could come in person, smack the said on his/her head and say, "Idiot, go to work, earn money, have a good time, do charity, make people smile and earn my blessings - how's a Facebook status update going to make me love you?"
Awaiting the day they realize how real things are real, and stupid stuff is indeed stupid.
Yours truly,
Ram IyerI left it on the altar at home, and sat there all night (mostly slept), meditating upon the Ultimate Energy. When I woke up, to my surprise, I had a letter in front of me, in a colour different from the paper I used to write mine. I opened it, still trying to figure out if it was real or if I were dreaming.
It read:
Dear Ram,
I was glad to see a physical letter after eons. It was unnecessary of you to stay awake all night, sitting in a Padmasana in front of me the whole time; you could've just emailed me!
What are you gasping at? What do you think, when you humans can have awesome email services like Outlook.com and Gmail, why can't we have one? Anyway, since you chose the tougher path, I wish to keep my email address a secret. Moreover, my mailbox is getting spammed these days since I started monitoring the thugs on sites like eBay and Jabong. Well, that's not what we're discussing, is it? In fact, I'm sure you're surprised to see a reply from me -- that's evident. Worry not, my son, for I'll tell you what I want to, whether you like it or not. Let's get to the point, enough chatter.
You see, even before you humans began thinking of bulk messages, I'd pioneered the ability to gather all data from everyone in the world, and crunch the numbers and get to a point where my applications like Chitragupta could get Yama the summary of what you did throughout your life -- I'd promised everyone of you that everything that you do, good and bad, will be accounted. How do you think I achieved that? Heard of Big Data? LOL that was my idea. Someone saw the old blueprints of the implementation of it here, and took it to the earth during his next birth. I know who the person is, and how he did it; I thought, well, let the humans taste a bit of technology there -- it's outdated here anyway!
So yes, what you said about Facebook, and its use is real, not fiction. I'm sure you've heard of the term SMAC (yes, Social, Mobile, Analytics and Cloud). When someone uploads a picture of mine and asks you to share it, you must close your eyes, remember me, and share it - no questions. I do see these things -- well, not see, per se -- I get the crunched numbers and all those things actually get added to your account. Before you were born, these guys over here at the administration section added an entry into their database, with a certain number tagged to you. This was what was used to create your very DNA, and your fingerprints, your tongue print, your retinal image, and all of that, is like what you guys call QR codes. You are linked to the master database called... well, you may call it the UniverSQL. From the point you took your first breath, your account began getting and losing credits. What I wish to explain is way too complicated for you to understand, and I might tend to go into the details - my clock just reminded me that you have only ten more minutes of my time. So let's make it short.
We guys have Facebook accounts, we see what you share. Your Facebook ID is tagged to your universal ID here. We are into SMAC in the following way:
Social: Whenever you hear the word Social, you tend to think of Facebook - too bad. We're as well on Twitter, Instagram, all email services and all other social networks, as Facebook. Social networks are where we see the market for each of my names - Jesus, Allah and Krishna are the names that score the highest, followed by Shiva, Buddha, and Albert Einstein (seriously), who try hard to keep pace. I'll tell you how I got these numbers later.
Mobile: Again, when I say mobile, I'm sure you're going to think of apps; wrong. Not just apps, I'm on SMS, calls, wallpapers why, even Caller Tunes! People can reach me through any of the mobile channels -- 2G, 3G, 4G...you name it!
Analytics: Let me tell you how we use analytics. When I said your profiles are connected, think of it as your Microsoft accounts hub. All your social and mobile channels are clubbed into the cloud of services. That cloud, in turn is what holds all the information about all your accounts, including your cell phone number. Let's get into the cloud in the next session. When you perform any activity, for example, share my pic on Facebook, the clock starts as soon as you see the pic (Facebook has that kind of technology -- they use it to measure their ad usage, but our engineers have managed to tweak it to measure the time since you saw my pic, to the time when you shared it). When you share it, our super advanced image analyzers in our search engines search for the necessary segments in the image and assign tags to it. These tags then increase the counts on the key terms in our databases and 'analyze' the usage. These also, in turn get tagged to your account, and much like how Amway works, you get points for sharing it, and whenever someone sees that image, liability gets added to their account (now they need to share it, you see), and you get credit. All this is crunched and then we derive the numbers against different accounts, and then we send rewards (think of the Bing Rewards program).
Cloud: Yeah, I already told you. The cloud contains all your data. Most of the data that our Huge Data (that's the name we follow here) gets is from the cloud. These have even your WhatsApp account, Hike account, why, even Telegram connected (yes, we can crack it - NSA is just a kid). Your account is stored in the cloud too, of course! So you share a Good morning message with your friends, no credit. You share links to news articles, no credit. When you share pics of the supposed forms of me or writings about me, you get credits! In short, I know what exactly you share, and sharing and not sharing stuff gets you good and bad luck respectively!
It is not they who need an eye-opener, son; it is you. Wake up, the world knows what exactly you're doing!
Get the SMACk!
Yours,
Well, what the hell…and, I woke up.